Enjoy Caution Vicariously

Love Each Other or Perish

“There are several kinds of love. One is a selfish, mean, grasping, egotistical thing which uses love for self-importance. This is the ugly and crippling kind. The other is an outpouring of everything good in you — of kindness and consideration and respect — not only the social respect of manners but the greater respect which is recognition of another person as unique and valuable. The first kind can make you sick and small and weak but the second can release in you strength, and courage and goodness and even wisdom you didn’t know you had.”

Post Concert II.

I did most of the talking. Telling him my biggest secret was one of the hardest, yet one of the most easiest things I have ever done. I am glad he understands. I am happy that he cares, and that he doesn’t want to see me go. 

I really hope he finds an answer to his situation soon. But I hope he realizes that there is no choice to be made, just a compromise.

*in that moment*

Me: “I just want to see you happy. And if my leaving will make her and you happy, then I’ll go. It’s called self-sacrifice. I’ve been doing it a lot lately. You won’t have to see me again. I’ll go…

D_____: “I’d rather you not.”

“I’m afraid of the intimacy between you and I when we are quiet with each other.”

timloi:

So I like to keep talking. - AC

Sometimes you have to talk your troubles down to a size, to where you can handle them.

Love, can make the summer fly; Or a night seem like a lifetime. Love, love changes everything, now I tremble at your name. Nothing in this world will ever be the same.

Making Amends

First step is to swallow whatever pride you have and hope for the best. 

Truth

Me: “Why do I hurt so much?”

A_____: “Because you love so much.”

Ne Me Quitte Pas

I’ll weep no more

I’ll speak no more

I’ll hide right here

to look at you dance and smile

to listen to you sing

and then laugh…

Let me become the shadow

of your shadow…

Blackhole

The two most inconspicuous words in the world: “what” and “if.” So simple and so small.

Once they are put together, side by side….they create a black hole.

Post Concert.

D____: “Liz, I want you to know that you’re one of my best friends. Look at me please. I just want you to know that.”

Me: “It’s kinda hard to look at you while you’re going 60 on a winding freeway.”

*some time later*

D____: “A penny for your thoughts?”

Me: “You don’t have a penny.”

D____: “A nickel?”

Me: “That’s too much.”

D____: “A quarter? Fifty cent piece? A dollar coin? A golden nugget?”

Me: “I highly doubt my thoughts are worth that much.”

D____: “They are.”

*some time later…*

D____: “Liz I know I’ve told you this before, but I mean it when I say you’re beautiful….Liz, look at me. You’re beautiful.”

*some time later*

D____: “You’re so different…You have this light, Liz. You have a light in you that you only share with me….and no one else…You should share it with the world. I challenge you to do just that. Share your light with the world…”

Thanks D____. I promise you I’ll learn from my mistakes. 

*some time later*

Our hug. That familiar pressing of bodies. Breathtaking. That moment of nirvana when my face presses into the lapel of your coat and I have that chance to breathe you in. And while you exhale and your chest falls into mine, I take that chance and clutch your shoulder blades. I never wanted to exhale. I never wanted to forget anything that led up to those long-lasting hugs. Every time I held it in, in fear of the moment’s escape, even so much as closing my eyes, trying to visualize yours…but it was different now. I let go. I exhaled. My muscles loosened and filled the space between my ribs and yours. It was a moment of internal bliss within a moment of bliss. That must be  what peace feels like. The beats were balanced, and I hope they stay that way.

For a minute there, I lost myself.

Jai Guru Deva Om

“Limitless undying love which shines around me like a million suns, it calls me on and on across the universe…”

Again…

I dreamt of him again. 

I don’t know who he is, but I wish I knew. He and I were going somewhere in what I presume to be his car. 

But we were having a spat, I could feel it. I could sense it. I was upset and I didn’t know why. I was afraid of what was going to happen if I didn’t try to make it better. 

We reached our destination and I found that we were both in a living room. I don’t know who’s it was…surely it wasn’t mine. But we were talking and I was trying to keep calm. I was still upset and things were getting blurry. I think I was waking up at this point, but before I did, he turned and walked towards me but I was looking down and only saw the bottom half of his body. He held me close, and told me that there was nothing in that world that could keep us apart. He told me that he loved me and that our love was to never falter. As I lifted my head, all I remember seeing was his lips coming closer to my face. 

This person…He’s been in my dreams often and I don’t know why. He never does anything to hurt me in my dreams. Quite the opposite. He seems to really care about me. 

It doesn’t help that I now have a good understanding of psychoanalysis (freud) now. I go to great lengths to not analyze my dreams but accept them as they are.